LATEST EPIDEMIC TO THREATEN AMERICAN LIVES

President Bush addressed the nation last night with a simple, direct statement. "We are all going to die horrible deaths... Thanks to Iran." Cuntelopes, the flying mammals responsible for BirdAIDS, were discovered in the late 1980's by an Iranian telemarketer. What the bird lacks in not having legs or feet to land on, it makes up for with precise aim, and remarkable agility. Bush promises to destroy Iran, and a real-time poll taken by FOX revealed that 51% of Americans support his decision.

A list was compiled of the discouraging facts about this new disease in comparison to it's predecessor, regular AIDS:

1. This time you CAN get it just from kissing.
2. No amount of money can save you. *
3. Protection must be worn constantly.
4. Its not just for the Gays anymore.

The Bush address interrupted the hit show Grey's Anatomy, a premeditated plan to get as large an audience as possible. And the government has issued a set list of times that the show's episode will be rerun in it's entirety. The details can be found at www.americangov.gov under the link "Where's my show?"

COLOR IS STILL AN ISSUE

In a revealing interview with Anderson Cooper this past Thursday, the color Orange sought out to “cleanse the palette” on today’s issues involving color. The underlying purpose of this interview was to raise awareness of a new bill that is in the works; that proposes to add the color Orange to the Equal Opportunity roster.
“For too long, I have been discriminated against, unjustly represented and have not been given the same amount of opportunities that other colors have,” stated Orange. “I like trees, I voted for Gore, I want to put a stop to Global Warming, but Corporate America has made it clear that only the color Green can be used in these efforts. I want to save the children of Africa from dying of hunger and AIDS, I used to listen to U2, but I am not Red, and that part of society does not accept me.” Aside from the more recent examples, Orange described issues that have stemmed over the past few hundred years. “Blue for instance, there are over 20 variations of blue…Baby Blue, Sky Blue, Navy Blue, Midnight Blue, Powder Blue, Light Blue, and Dark Blue. I have zero variations…I am Orange. There is no Dark Orange and do you know what Light Orange is?... Yellow. I understand that I am not what you would consider a primary color, but Green has over 30 variations: Pine, Emerald, Grass, Bright, Dark, Forest...let me tell you a little secret about Green... it wouldn't even be a color if it weren't for Yellow and Blue.” Tempers flared as the show continued, Anderson Cooper, in an attempt to debate Orange, answered some of the concerns, “But pine trees are Green, emeralds are Green, grass is Green, these are mere references to the object’s color.” To which Orange replied, “Interesting point Mr. Cooper. Do you know what my objects are? I have one big one, it just so happens to be the largest source of Vitamin C available on Earth. Can you guess what brilliant name they chose for this object? Orange! It’s ridiculous! Bananas aren’t called Yellow, lettuce isn’t called Green. Yet another prime example of how oppressed I have been, not to mention the countless number of objects that have been flat out stolen from me. Do me a favor America... the next time you come a across a Goldfish... take a really good look at it.” The interview ended on that final note. Orange reportedly stormed off the set, begrudgingly passing the show’s Green room, and was not available for further comments. For more information about the new bill, and how you can help in passing it, search your local Yellow pages for your state representative’s contact information and submit and formal complaint.

NBC VS. AMERICAN IDOL

NBC announced it's release of thier latest reality show that hopes to put a dent in American Idol ratings. Featuring a special guest judging panel consisting of; Michael J. Fox (Doc Hollywood), Jewel (MTV's Cribs) & the last official Teen Wolf himself, Jason Bateman (L.H.O.T.P). NBC officials have teamed up with the creative marketing department of Publisher's Clearing House in an attempt to boost viewer voting. Americans will recieve direct mail from the show each day prior to airing a new episode. Viewers will be prompted that they may have already won a walk on roll in the upcoming film "Teen Wolf Three An American Teen Wolf in America". Each vote cast and mailed to NBC including a brief survey, will ensure a chance for the viewer to have thier name randomly drawn at the America's Next Teen Wolf Banquet Brunch to be held at Ruby Tuesday's after the shows final episode. The network promises to unleash some much needed tension between it's carefully chosen judges. It has been reported that Justine Bateman, TV's Mallory Keaton, has always considered Michael J. Fox more of a brother than Jason could ever be. Along with the fact that Jewel has been quoted saying the former Alex P. Keaton portrayer was the "Secret to my Success." Join hundreds of others watching as tempers flare, romance ignites, and wolfmen and women are uncovered on this new hit drama/talent/entertianment blitz. Show to air it's first episode Tuesday at 7pm.

ATMOSPHERE CAUSED MY DIVORCE...

...says Lucille Moeding of Anoka Minnesota. "It all started after we decided to move in togethor. At first I thought Andy just liked to feel superior in the bedroom, calling me "slug" when we made love." Lucille recalls many instances that now seem obvious, but at the time, were mearly subtle hints of thier relationship's immenent doom. "One time after returning home from a concert with his freinds, Andy couldn't stop talking about how brilliant the show was... I had to jerk him off with his eyes shut really tight just get him to shut up and go to sleep." As time went on, they both agreed to try marriage counceling. "Andy had one breakthrough during therapy, it was his admittance to masterbating to head shots. I went to several professional photographers and presented Andy with various 8x10's... only to find out that he was referring to an Atmosphere album." Finally coming to realisation with her husbands gay-love-crush for rapper Sean Daly aka Slug, Lucille decided to call it quits. When the Rhyme Sayers Entertainment co-founder was asked to comment on this incident, he replied with "Fuck you," a typical response from the emo-rap extraordinaire.